I find a lot of anger on weekends as I am away from my family in another state. Today, I am a little more certain who or what the anger should be directed to, I recognize it is my feelings of being unfairly, disrespectfully, and poorly treated (being treated in a way I don’t want to be) that is behind the anger.

In actuality, I know the source of that unfair treatment finds its origins in my world reality view and the limitations I accept as being true. It also has origins in my beliefs in valuing family and beliefs of responsibilities to them.  So really, I am mad at myself because I know I deserve better. But mostly because I know I could change it if I were to rise to meet the challenge.

I know God has always provided and I certainly know: if all the less noble ones that live in Utah can make it, I am surely capable too.

I believe we are all struggling with similar demons formed from our beliefs and perspectives. Demons of our own making. 

I wonder and I feel I was involved in a traumatic past life experience where failing to keep the faith in some precious principle, I let loved ones and family down by my mistakes. I realize today I am still working to unravel the painful quandary I discovered; a seeming contradiction between what I wanted and feeling the pain of losing it or failing to achieve it.

Dreams help us understand our challenges 

In dreams last week, I was driving around in a parking garage under a business mall trying to park a large business truck used in my fathers business. I kept going in circles and making wrong turns onto one-way lanes and having difficulty getting turned around.  While I kept seeing drive up teller lanes, I knew I needed to park and go inside the building. I finally found a parking spot so I could.  Once inside, I had to go a long round about way to get to where deposits are made and then had to wait in a long line. As I waited 1/2 way through the line, I realized I’d left my check in the truck and had to leave to go back outside and get it.

Outside, there was a girl that I knew from Dad’s business that was looking at how I had parked the truck and pointing to an overhang, scolded me for parking so close to an over hang (only about 6 inches short of colliding).  As I was feeling stupid for having her point that out, the truck rolled forward, hit the overhang and next my dad was there to see what happened and remind me that I know to watch for overhangs when driving a big truck.  

I felt I knew better.  I was feeling the pain: I know if I had parked in 1st gear instead of 4th, the truck would NOT have rolled. I marveled and really felt the pain of how many stupid mistakes I keep making trying to put money in the bank. The feelings were so intensely frustrating and I was feeling so hopeless like I was getting old and losing my common sense.  My next dream sequence was similar, different environment, but again I was in the business truck having difficulty maneuvering the truck to make a delivery, trouble remembering how to do things, feeling I would soon have no job and be unemployable while family needed me.

I woke to renew my knowing that in the area of love for my children and caring for them I have been challenged by fears most my life. While I’ve always provided for them, I have faced multiple fear challenges in these regards though out my life.

I know I feel a great responsibility to provide for for family and struggle with the economic fears of failure when I know better. I know that all things will be provided as needed, they always have been and always will be. What ever the case, we should NEVER borrow trouble that hasn’t yet come. In reality, we never figure out the solutions anyway; if you know yourself, you know they are always given at the appropriate time. We don’t create the creative thoughts, we just receive them.We shouldn’t worry. In fact, if you’re paying attention, you know worry only gets in the way of creativity.

Today I recognize I am still facing the same life challenges. I (my inner-self soul and and I) created them for the express purpose of gain in rising to meet them.

No, I don’t believe my soul cares that I became a CPA to provide for those family needs or any of the actions I employed in doing so. It was not a question of  would I choose a noble or ignoble profession not even important whether I’d be honest and fair. Those are qualities most of us have inherently; we are born with a drive to add value to ourselves and all around us.  The challenge is to enhance the aspects of our creativity and the resulting quality of life. The challenge is to gain a value fulfilling experience in the creative life adventures we’re lead to pursue.  Can we learn to find value fulfilling enrichment with each creation our desire inspires?

So what holds me here – away from my desired home state?

It’s a mere simple question of faith. Ironically, I feel it adds insult to my injury recognizing I struggle with a lack of Faith.  I so pride myself with understanding belief and faith. How is it that I find myself in this state of doubt and unbelief? What? faith man can’t make it in Utah! You bet, that drives me mad! 

There really is something that I am needing to get a hold of here.  It’s not rocket science. Spiritual alchemistic metaphysics might sound intimidating, but why should acting on something one really believes be that hard? Reflect man; know thyself and know God!

Demons?

Is that it? Is the devil making me do it?

No, the real problems we struggle with are found in but two areas: 1) beliefs;  a) beliefs of limitation (the limitations I accept as being true) and b) value and action beliefs built upon false premises. These along with 2) a choice of perspective, is where the demons and torment are formed which create our experiences of them. 

Proper response:

1) Can we possibly be limited when we are totally integrated with the fullness and creativity of “All that is”? Or,

2) Is it a realistic expectation: we should always be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound? Should we really hinge our happiness upon always being able to always rescue those in need? Should our desires to uplift and provide for family and others ever be a cause of our pain?    As I feel so drawn to meet the challange, I do NOT want to change my desire nor belief that I can be responsible. Rather than accept my desires might be based upon a false premise, I am comming to understand there is a perspective issue. With the right perspective I CAN leap tall buildings, if I really want to!

Perspective? 

• Every desire is a source of pain, if we search the horizon for threats to it and switch our focus to potential loss. 
• If we dwell upon the potential for losses to our precious, we’ll suffer pain.
• We’ll also find acts of faith frozen by the same gaze.

Your choices: Decide what you want today – choose your path:

• a) Either decide NOW to never discover another precious so you can’t suffer contemplating its loss (Buddhist view), or
• b) decide to accept the pain of a loss perspective and it’s subsequent manifestation as a part of reality (Then know: there really is a devil; and you are it! There really is a hell; you’ve found it! typical painful life view) or,
• c) Iidentify your precious and focus upon it giving no thought to far off threats. Meet each challenge along the way using the same resolve. (Jesus Christian view)

 There really is ONLY one choice that meets the challenge.

If we can’t hold our focus in faith upon what we want and believe that it will be so, we’ll see the darkness instead. Our bodies will be full of the darkness created by the eye that perceives the loss of its most precious. (Matt 6:22-34).  Or maybe you think you can look at both and be stable. No! the double minded man is unstable in all his ways (James 1:6-8).  Yes! anger is your holy spirit shouting: you are living in contradiction to your desires and beliefs! Change your focus now, live your faith.

 Believe it, Realize It